The Holidays and COVID

Updated: Nov 30, 2020

The holidays have arrived and I can’t help but feel mixed emotions. I live thousands of miles away from my family and it breaks my heart not only knowing that I cannot go home to the Bahamas for Christmas, but that a whopping 3 members of my family (two cousins and my mom) have met my 7-month-old daughter. In no way is this what I had imagined when thinking and planning to bring a little one into this world.

My family is such a big part of my life.

We are big, loud, crazy, and sometimes too involved, but also filled with soooo much love.

Although I know that the first few years are not years my daughter will really remember, it still kills me to know that there is an entire other side of her family, of her life (of my life and my story) that she has yet to experience. COVID has taken so much from all of us this year and this holiday season I struggle with the tough decisions my husband and I have had to make to keep our daughter and our family safe.

To be honest, I’m often mad!

I kick myself in the butt sometimes because I feel like that, despite a new job last year, I should have found a way to go home.

I should have planned my baby shower earlier so that my trip home and the shower would not have been a casualty of this awful pandemic.

I should have planned to get pregnant earlier to allow Ellie to experience the joys of my family early on in her life.

There are so many “I should haves” that I constantly think about, yet I know that in reality I could have never imagined or planned for what was up ahead.

Whenever I think of these things, I constantly tell myself to snap out of it, to focus on the positives, and let go of the negatives, but what I have come to realize through all of this is that IT IS OKAY not to be okay.

It is okay to feel sad, mad, frustrated, resentful, hurt, lost, and every other emotion we feel as a result of our unique situations. We are allowed to sit with these feelings because this year has been tough really freakin' tough! This is not something any of us ever thought we would have to deal with and manage in our lifetime.

So I will leave you with this: don’t disregard the positives in your life because they are definitely worth hanging on to and probably what is allowing you to push through all of this, but also allow yourself to mourn and grieve the loss you have experienced this year.

Allow yourself to feel THE FEELS because as we continue to navigate through a time of so many unknowns, we must give ourselves room to process and work through the challenges we face as this journey continues.

By doing so it will make room for us to foster the strength we need to persevere.

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