Today makes 2 years since my life changed forever.
Two years ago, I suddenly lost my grandfather.
I was devastated; my entire family was, and still is.
My mind keeps replaying the days leading up to his passing, remembering how blissfully I went about my days so normally, completely unaware of the heartache ahead.
We celebrated Thanksgiving, celebrated our anniversary, and decorated our home for Christmas. Everything was perfect. Life was perfect.
Then, in one day, or in one minute it seemed, nothing was okay anymore. My heart broke and it still hasn’t healed.
Last year was hard, this year is even harder. My grief is compounded as I lost my other grandfather earlier this year as well.
Grieving is hard and there really is no telling how long you will feel the intensity of such loss. Grief has a different level now that I’m a mom. I look at my sweet boy and I grieve the fact that he will never know these two exceptional, one-of-a-kind men that shaped my life. I grieve the moments that I shared with them that Leo will never get to experience. I know they would have all loved each other so much.
It was hard to get out of bed today - just as hard as it was when I first lost each of my grandfathers; hard to function at work; hard to find the energy to chase after an active almost 10-month-old and be engaged in playtime. It was hard to find joy today.
On the hard days, especially on this one, I try to shift my focus to gratitude. I am so thankful for nearly 30 wonderful years with my precious grandfathers who showed me how life was meant to be lived. I am thankful that Leo has his own two wonderful and kind grandfathers who will show him the beauty of life through that special bond.
I also find ways to honor my grandfathers in the way that I raise my son. I honor them by making food for Leo that they would make for me, by singing him the songs that they used to sing to me, by trying to be an example of a kind and joyful spirit like they both were. I see glimpses of them when Leo laughs and in the sparkle in his eyes, and then my heart grows full.
Nurturing these memories is how I’ve learned to find comfort. It’s how I keep their love alive in my heart. Through this, I’ve learned that this bond is never broken; the love they showed to my family lives in our hearts forever, and now that I can share these memories with my son, this bond and this love are even stronger than ever.